I think that the idea of leaving the kids out of the mess is a noble thought. However, it is nearly impossible to not have issues where the kids are out of the loop.. My issue all along with my husband has been his anger. He has been angry for years and yelling and growling and grumbling has overcome his personality. He loves his kids and has always loved being a part of their life. It is very hard on him for the kids to be with me during the week and with him on the weekends. I understand missing them, because I miss them when they are with him. I allow him to pick them up afterschool and spend that hour and a half with them until I get off. This time has been especially good for my youngest because she gets him mostly to herself. My oldest daughter has a lot of hurt and at this point is passively refusing to go stay with him. She’s trying to do it sweetly, but the truth is she just doesn’t want to spend time with him. She recently came up with an excuse and when she said it, I knew she has a long way to healing. The younger two, especially my son, feel sorry for their dad being alone and they want to be there to comfort him. I have encouraged my oldest to stay with her dad because I know that her forgiving him will be the key to her own freedom. Their dad is so broken at this point, he’s become the ideal parent and father to his kids. Part of that is his realization of what he’s losing and the other part is his manipulation to keep them coming. I don’t care what it’s called. If he’s being good to his kids then I want them to see him. I know kids need a father figure. He knows right from wrong and will hopefully begin to steer the kids the right way. Our separation has definatly caused him to step up to the plate. Last night my heart was broken when it was time for me to get the kids and my son called me. He wanted to know if he could spend one more night with his dad. I told him I would prefer that he come home. A bit later, his dad called and said that he didn’t see why it wasn’t okay for his son to spend more time with him. I was quickly angered at this, because I don’t want it to be a fight. I told him whatever, he was going to make everything difficult so he would get his way. He told me I was being controlling…which is true. When I went to pick up my baby girl, and my son came to the car and said he wanted to stay with dad so he could watch a movie and could I come back and get him later. I asked when and he said the movie was over at 10:00pm. A tear ran down my face as I realized that I was defeated by a stinking movie and cable TV. I told him he could just stay…I would get him in the morning. He decided not to, unfortunately because of the pain in my eyes but we had a wonderful night together as a family. It’s hard though. What is right and what is wrong? Their dad in one minute was crying on the phone to me and in the next second was angry and no longer crying? How do you turn that off and on so easily? It’s so easy to be tossed and turned by my feelings. I have to count on the Lord to gauge the truth. They are his kids and he has as much right to them as I. I don’t want them to not know him, but I want them to know the truth about him and the anger he bears. I am hoping for freedom through seeing the bad results in their father’s decisions. I pray my kids make it through this with grace, peace, and every sustinance of God. I pray they choose life in every area including marriage and relationships. I pray they change others lives through the crap they have had to live. I pray it will all be for God’s glory.
The Lord keeps saying this over and over and sometimes I think it’s the only thing I can hear clearly. I know He wants our full unconditional trust and it is easier and easier to say yes, I trust you Lord. It’s scary though and I know fear is the opposite of faith. I could have sworn I heard him say pack your house yesterday morning. Now as I said before, for over a month we stayed at a friend’s house and now, we are staying at my house. My husband got an apartment in town and our house was empty so I knew it was a good move for us. I really thought as I was moving there that I was so thankful that God would give me time to get my stuff together. I have thoughts of trying to sell the place, and thoughts of just living there until they kick us out. I can’t make the $1,000 payment per month and since he skipped last month’s payment so forclosure is looming. Neither of us can afford it on our own. We could barely afford it together. My paycheck is $690.00 every two weeks. Thank God today is payday. I have to pay 2 car notes. One of which is the last payment so I will be recieving the title to a car I have already sold. I will get $150 in a few payments from a neighbor down the street for our busted head gasket Kia. I drove the heck out of that car. They already came and hauled it out of our yard. I have to pay $150 to the family for the utilities I used while enjoying their mom’s house. So that leaves about $152.00 to make it through for 2 more weeks. 🙂 Praise the Lord! He is so faithful to take care of my needs according to his riches in glory! I also have to pay the phone bill sometime, but am putting it off until next payday I believe. The electric will be due then. Hopefully I can get a Lone Star card to take care of the food needs. So far, we still have food. I am truly thankful for God’s provision. I have peace about all of it. I do need to go get a fuel filter for my Excursion. My husband said he’d put it in. I want Pops to do it. It’s funny how “the Man” all of the sudden wants to be the one to take care of us. We’ll see what happens there. I can say, he’s saying all of the right things, I just know that the inside has not conformed yet to what he’s saying. Time will tell. It’s been peaceful in our house. All the kids are piled up in my bed and in a bed they drug in my room. We’ve been watching movies at night together, after supper, homework and chores. NICE.. Baby girl got pouty with me last night because I asked her to help with a few things. She whined and complained and was a real brat. I swatted her hiney with a wooden spoon and asked her to change her attitude. She didn’t. I held her throughout the movie and reminded her how awesome she is. She is spoiled rotten though and during her discipline spouted that I hated her and that she wanted to live with her dad. I told her, I did not like the way she was acting and that she would not use her dad against me. He’s really being nice to the kids and spoiling them a lot which is good and bad. I hope it doesn’t always make me the bad guy. I’m glad the kids are enjoying their dad and vice versa. That in itself is enough to satisfy for a while.