Car Trouble

A few weeks ago I said goodbye to my husband at the airport (he was deserting me to work in Asia for five weeks) he leaned in for a last kiss and whispered in my ear ” Look after my car.” Not “take care of yourself” not “look after the boys” NOT “I’m going to miss you SO much”……….. “Look after my car.” Before you dismiss him as a coldhearted SOB I should point out that after 21 years of marriage he is well aware of my shortcomings in the motor vehicle department. He knows only too well that my knowledge of cars is slightly below basic level (remedial is an accurate description) and that there were likely to be dramas in his abscence. He was right. Within hours of him leaving I nearly had a head on collision as I tried to prevent coffee spilling on his precious leather seats as I turned a corner and realized Starbucks had omitted to supply the essential geeen stick. I knew getting coffee was a mistake – no eating or drinking is allowed in the wonder car (the love of his life) it must stay pristine and immaculate at all times. Even on a seven hour road trip I am not permitted so much as a dry pretzel lest a crumb should fall on hallowed protection mats. Unlike my own car which……….. well on second thoughts let’s not go there. Having recovered from the trauma of nearly writing off the chosen one I was extra careful with it for the next few days, too afraid to even put the roof down lest there should be some hideous mechanical disaster because I had pressed the wrong button, so imagine my horror when I noticed that a warning light had appeared on the dashboard! OMG what have I done now? The light was a large D next to an exclamation mark. Sleepless night followed by panic calls to everyone I know to find out what on earth it meant. Of course no-one had any idea so I called Braman BMW and told them I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO bring the car in for a service the following day:

Helpful Service Associate “Certainly Madam, what model is the car?”

Pathetic Ditzy Wife ” Ummmmm not sure…… it’s grey”

HSA ” Okay what year is the car?”

PDW ” Ummmmmm well we haven’t had it that long”

HSA “Okay and why are you bringing it in?”

PDW “Because there’s a light on and something bad has happened and if we can’t fix it I’ll be getting divorced”

HSA ” Okay we can squeeze you in at 7.30am tomorrow”

Against my better judgement I drove the car to work that day counting the hours till I could hand over the problem to BMW. As I backed out of the driveway I noticed that the warning light had changed from D! to R! and then when I parked at the office it had changed to P! AH HA epiphany, the letters are telling me which gear I am in and have nothing to do with the warning light (which sadly is still on) so maybe it’s not that serious after all. Another sleepless night worrying about the car and then the humiliation of checking in at BMW to be told that they had checked the records and the car was not due for service for another year. A quick check to see why the warning light was on and then the nice service engineer told me all I needed was some water in the windshield washers. Of course he had to do it for me, I don’t do car maintenance ever under any circumstances. One of the main advantages to being married is that I never have to check my tyre pressures or even go through a car wash. Anyway a fixed car and a very happy customer, but when BMW handed me back the keys and directed me towards the object of my man’s desire I managed to disgrace myself further by trying to drive off in the wrong vehicle – well it was grey and they all look the same don’t they? So when I go and collect my husband from the airport next week I won’t be in the slightest bit offended as he hugs me, gazes lovingly into my eyes and says ” How’s my car?”