I have recently been faced with my past. I am not proud of some of the things that I have done in my past, but non the less I will own my mistakes. It has been many years and sometimes with time past we forget the reasons we let go. Sometimes we just don’t want to remember the pain that we felt or afflected on others.
I was in my early twenties and I fell for a young man who was sixteen, almost seventeen. We had a relationship and he awoke feelings in me that to be honest I never knew. He was so full of life that it consumed me. I was stupid and I didn’t want to be loved the way he loved me. I didn’t want to take the chance of ever being hurt the way that I was hurt before, so I did things to sabatoge the relationship, even to the point to where I slept with his best friend. Of course his friend denied it then and probably still would to this day. Regaurdless it still happenend. I lived my life with the thought that I had to hurt someone else so that I would not be hurt. I did love him and I ended up pregnante. I was scared to death. I was at the end of a relationship with a man who was an alcoholic and would black out when he drank and having an affair with someone younger than me. This young mans mom was hell bent on putting me in jail and I was so scared to lose it all including my unborn son. I knew in my heart. with all my heart that my unborn child belong to this young man, and after he was born he looked just like him. My son has gone 14 years not even knowing of this man but people who knows all the parties invovled comments on how he looks exactly like this man.
Years have gone by and I have never spoke of this man to anyone. I have never spoken a harsh word about this man and the only reason I have never told my son of him is because of my own pride. He was a good man and he deserved to know my son and my son deserved to know him. I never looked at I was hurting anyone I only looked at I didn’t want to get hurt.
Karma has a funny way of making itself come around and believe me when I say that it does. The only people that got hurt were everyone. I can not rewind time and I can not answer some of my son’s questions, but I can tell you this. Trying to protect yourself from getting hurt usually requires you to sale your soul to the devil and in the end all you have accomplished was to hurt yourself more than anyone could ever hurt you.
I have looked back on things that I have done, have said and most of all what I was never able to say. By the time I realized that someone actually does love me I had almost lost him. I am no great advice coloumist but I can tell you this: if someone loves you enough to climb over the walls you build up let them. if you don’t you may wake up one day and realize that you missed out on some of the greatest things in the world. My mistakes cost my son knowing someone who always wanted to be there. I can not change that. I can not take away his hurt or his anger and it breaks my heart knowing that I am the one who caused that pain. All that I can do now is say I am sorry, and hope that someday I can be forgiven.