Call The Burn Unit, These Roasts Are WILD: People Share The Best Comebacks To An Insult

My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was the fireier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered

"If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself."

She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered "I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately..."

He replied, "You're going to cut off your foot?"

Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their sh*t, it was amazing

My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and two kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.

Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.

Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.

Point goes to Granny.

A friend of mine was getting b*tched at by these two identical twin girls in a class I had once. He replied with a troubling look on his face and said "if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?" That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session.

In middle school, a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his... I'm still really proud of that one.

He was walking out of English. I was walking in. We met at the doorway and were chest to chest. And he looks me in the eye and says:

“Grow some t*ts”

Without missing a beat I reply dead-faced, “Donate yours.”

Then proceeded to proudly walk to my desk with a big smile.

A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.

Dbag: “why bother looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”

My friend: “the same reason you watch porn”

The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.

The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."

It was an exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a sl*t shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.

Person A: “I can’t believe how many people you’ve slept with, I don’t understand how people can have sex with someone they aren’t in love with”

Person B: “Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay”

Person A: silence as he dies inside

Edit: Yes guys he had and ex-boyfriend. Person A was a gay man. Its not a typo, it’s 2020.

Definitely a great comeback, but not to an insult, more to an annoyance.

I was a camp counselor for a few years at a summer camp. One day my group took a hike to a large rock where we had lunch. My campers were between 8 and 10 years old.

This one kid we'll call Jeff keeps poking another kid we'll call Matt in my group to "look at this hole in the rock, it's so cool, it's like 6 inches deep" and the other kid is clearly getting annoyed just trying to eat his lunch. He keeps shoving sticks into the hole and trying to get everybody to look at it.

Finally Matt just puts down his sandwich, looks at Jeff, and goes "I'll be six inches deep in your mom later if you don't shut up."

I was trying so hard to be stern with this kid for saying something so inappropriate but I kept cracking up, it was just such a disproportionately ridiculous thing to say coming from a 9 year old.

I can't remember the best one I've heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don't know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, "Small feet, you know what that means!" I didn't mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, "Don't worry, fella, there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger." So I said, "Have you tried all 10?"

Not very impressive, but it shut him up.

I have a bunch but one of the more memorable ones was back in 8th grade. For context I didn’t make the basketball team 7th grade, but I made the team in 8th grade.

This kid that was on the team the previous year but didn’t make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad I am and blah blah blah. I told him that if he is better than me then why didn’t he make the team, and he replied with “it’s just cause of my grades bro”.

So I replied with “oh so you’re just f*g stupid then?”

He gave up cause it was either accept that he was bad or accept he was an idiot so...

My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please.

My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."

English class in Middle School

Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like st having a mom that works at McDonalds"

Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"

English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"

The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...

edited This happened about 5 years ago now. There was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school. Being loud, ignoring the teacher. He was mixed race, only bringing this up because it’s related. He’s talking rather loudly with a guy next to him. Teacher tells him “shut the hell up.” Kid makes a point that he’s half black and being mean to him is racist (some stupid sht like that.) Teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says “I was talking to your white half, stupid.” Hands down my favorite teacher.

My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They'd constantly interrupt and make the class hell, and the teacher didn't really do anything about it.

One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class and he had had enough. He turned to her and told her to shut up and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turns to the teacher and goes, "Nah, I don't plan on being a pimp."

The class loses it, the teacher has to step out from laughing, and that girl apparently didn't bother my brother for the rest of the year.

Back in high school, I was in the orchestra. We went on several big national trips each year.

One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for pot in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips.

The one guy who wasnt in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him.

So a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says "Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They're mad. I'm mad. You played me like a fiddle."

"That's what I play," Jason replied, raising his violin.

I have a twin brother. I’m older.

He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again.

I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”.

There was a fight after that one.

Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a bad*ss and intimidate my buddy. He says"my feet are registered". Without missing a beat my friend replies"Where? Health & Sanitation?". Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.

Probably not the best of all time but here goes, at work one night my crew was cleaning up trash out of the middle of the interstate inside of a lane closure. We get up to where another crew is working on machines, and these guys are aholes. They seriously act like they are Gods gift to construction, so the conversation goes as this.

Me: can y’all move over for a second so we can get by?

Douche to his guys: c’mon guys let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up our trash.

Douche to me: y’all are slower than hell, plus look you even missed some.

Me: oh I’m sorry I don’t think I can fit you in this bag, I’ll come back after I open a new one and maybe we can squeeze you in there

Arguing with my mom for the millionth time, and she would always say something along the lines of "you're just like your father".

One day i got tired of it, and told her: "im not like my father, i'm smarter than him"

"oh yeah? and why is that?"

"because i had a girlfriend like you and i broke up with her"

Didn't talk to me for a couple of days.

My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging d*ng. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.

My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.

At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I f*g laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.

When I was working at a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on.

One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him

"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a (C-word)".

He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.

I'd have to save my own. I had this one teacher in high school who taught computer classes and I had taken almost every class she offered so I knew her very well and we mostly just goofed off in her class as long as we got our work done. I was trying to date her daughter throughout all of high school and everyone knew including her and every time I met something up or made a fool of myself she would hit me with "and that's why you don't have a girlfriend"

this became a trend and about 4 weeks after it was a thing she said it to me one last time and I hit her back with "That's why you can't keep a man" she had been through about five marriages and had one kid with each and everyone knew because she talked about it before. As soon as I said that she got red and chuckled and the whole class stopped what they were doing and stared at me like I slapped her straight across the face. One of the over-dramatic kids even ran out of classroom hollering.

My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain in the *ss for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want the attention.

Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't really participating.

This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are." Without missing a beat, my tiny little bada looked that b*tch dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too."

My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his a off.

I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of st

Our security officer replied immediately, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, "but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me," It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.

After that spiel was over though she didn't give us anymore problems the rest of the night.

I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.

Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing. Pilot: "You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach." ATC: "You've got speedbrakes on that thing, don't you?" Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) "Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours."

When I was at work one day, I was a cashier and overheard a man yelling at the service desk about another one of our employees. Spouting off about how we were terrible and how our workplace hires idiots. My supervisor looked him dead in the eye and asked if he wanted an application.